FOOD FOR SOUL MAGAZINE: 02/02/15

JUMPING AT SHADOWS

Have you ever found yourself in front of a mirror and questioned, "Where have I gone?"

As you get older, you begin to see yourself differently.

This can be good or bad. There are some days you might glance at the image staring back at you and think, "Okay, a few extra wrinkles, but I still got it"!

Then, there are days when you wonder, "Does everyone see what I see? Do they notice the sad lines around the mouth from years of heartache? Do they recognize the blood shot eyes from sob sessions, and sleepless nights? Are they staring closely enough to see the sorrow behind the smile? Do they notice the kitten behind the Lion?"

We make up our face, spray on cologne, gel our hair, and head out to conquer the world. But, what happens when you realize the world has conquered you? It's broken your confidence, shaken your foundation, taken away your trust, and its kicked the breath out of your beauty.

It has convinced you that you are not good enough, pretty, smart, thin or tall enough. The world has deceived you into believing love is extinct, and that there is no such thing as a passionate, unmistakably dedicated marriage that exist on this planet.

It's challenging these days in a society of self-seekers, and sensationalist. Most live to be satisfied by their own desire not taking into consideration the consequences affecting those around them.

Growing up was difficult as I reached Junior High. I distinctly remember walking the halls in fear trying to dodge bullies, and the cackling popular hens who poked fun at me and my four eyes, which had to wear glasses since age six. I also had the misfortune of suffering severe acne chronically looking like a measles outbreak.

Unfortunately, I didn't always escape the bulldogs. There were moments of being beaten up against a brick wall or lockers in hallways.

Sometimes, I would skip bathroom use for fear of being attacked unnoticed by the group of nerd killers. The school bus rides home were just as excruciating. There were boys that would spit in my face, and call me names. By the time I would arrive home, all I could think about was running to my room and praying that God would either shut down school permanently, or let me be run over by the bus.

I hated the images I saw in the mirror. The bullies banter began to cause me to believe their lies.

I became anorexic, desperate to look perfect. No longer did I see a youthful teen full of future. All I saw was fat and failure in the mirror. The desire to thrive was diminished. My grades started slipping, along with my morals. The desire to be liked overshadowed the part of me to love, care, or want to serve God and others.

As I got older and began dating, and then marriage, I found that there were adult bullies. Some that were physically abusive,

and then their were the ones that could demolish a sky-scraper with mere words.

There seemed to be no escaping them. Every time I turned around, like a vicious cycle, I’d fall for the lies and be wooed into an abusive relationship leaving me depleted all the more. My confidence stripped down another level with each swing of a fist, or batting of a hurtful word.

The pain of promises broken overshadowed the promises of God. My eyes were clouded, unable to focus on what He saw in me. For years I suffered with low self-esteem, especially after divorce experiencing infidelity, and excuses from men.

It was difficult for me to see anything but this unworthy, broken, and unattractive vessel. I hated passing by a mirror.

It was pure torcher to see my reflection in a window. Lord, hide me, I would plead. Cover the parts that would turn others away. The consequences of circumstances that left me abandoned and rejected overshadowed the ability to thrive in the person God had created me to be.

It seemed almost hopeless, yet one incredible sunny day as I walked along a trail, I noticed my shadow. I had never really paid it much attention before.

The appearance was distorted as to what I thought my shape, and height was. What I witnessed while walking, was a taller than me version. Glancing over my shape from feet up, noticed my ankles looked sturdy, my calves were firm with muscle. My legs appeared strong. As I wondered further up, noticed a womanly figure I hadn't perceived before.

Walking, my hips swayed back and forth, the shadow seemed to be jumping side to side. It was as if it was its own entity. Yet, I knew that shadow on the ground was me.

It was at that moment that God revealed to me who I really was, and what He saw. I was someone to be loved, adored, and cherished. There was nothing wrong with my shape, it was designed and created in the fashion God chose.

My legs, oh my legs were strong enough to withstand the world, and all its bullies. I no longer had to feel rejected, or unworthy. My Prince Charming, Savior, Lover, Husband, and Friend was courting me all the way to eternity where I will one day rest in His arms.

His love overshadows the pain of abuse. It blankets and soothes an aching soul. I no longer had to jump at shadows lurking in fear.

His wings of mercy, and grace overshadowed all the agonizing existence in this sometimes very cruel world. The shadow on the ground had reason to jump for joy.

She had been designed for a special work. A distinctive kind of mission to mend and bind up the broken-hearted, to rebuild walls with His word, to bestow a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, a garment of praise instead of despair. (Isaiah 61)

It was at that moment of marveling at my shadow, I realized God had given me strong legs to stand firm in His promises, feet to jump for joy in the shadow of His presence, and hips to sway as I waltz with my Savior in His wings.